Dear Asshole Ex-Boyfriend,
Can you please give my shit back?
In case you are wondering what I could possibly be talking about, below is the collected list of my belongings.
1. My measuring cup. You should of known my “horrible cooking skills” would make something like this a far greater asset to me than you. Also, my Grandma bought it. Asshole.
2. My rollerblades. While it’s unclear why you would need a pair of size 3.5 rollerblades, you’ve decided for some reason to keep them. How am I supposed to “get some exercise” if you won’t give me back my fucking rollerblades? Also, my Grandma bought them. Asshole.
3. My fucking snow pants. What kind of man takes somebody’s pants? Asshole.
4. The outrageously expensive box spring cover you insisted I buy. You know, the one with all the diamond designs or whatever they are called? Yeah, that one. Its not yours. Give it back, Asshole.
5. My stand mixer. After tasting your horrible attempt at baking time and time again, I figured you would of been willing to part with MY stand mixer. Also, my Grandma bought it. Asshole.
6. My electronic measuring plate. Sure, it was a gift from me to you. But at age 43, you should really find an easier way to weigh your pot. Seriously, its meant for baking, Asshole.
7. My hockey helmet. This one is not really that high on my list, but you’re still a bag of shit for not giving it back. Asshole.
8. My $700 camera. You know, the one I paid for? My fucking Cannon Rebel camera? I was impressed that you decided to hide it so I couldn’t find it when I came to get my things. Give me my fucking Cannon Rebel Camera back, Asshole.
9. My Pyrex and corning wear. I know you have always spoken so highly of your cooking, I can see why you would feel it necessary to take my shit. But, its still not yours, Asshole. ( Also, give me back my Tupper wear too.)
10. Finally, give me back the 3 years of my life I wasted with you. And or course, all my shit. Asshole.
* The above are direct quotes from said ‘Asshole Ex-Boyfriend’.
During this break up I encountered a whole new kind of greed. He took things that weren’t his. When I asked for them back, he flat out lied and said he didn’t have them. Why? I have no fucking idea. As stated above, its most likely because he’s a huge fucking Asshole. Oh well.
Admittedly, I was pretty bitter for a while. Now, not so much. I look at his life with all of his(my) things, and he is empty. That’s what you get when you put so much worth into ‘things’. So, Asshole Ex-Boyfriend, enjoy my fucking Pyrex. You’re a horrible fucking cook. Seriously, Asshole.
P.S. If you are ever looking for your left dress shoe, you can have it back when learn to play nice. Also, should you need your suit pants, you know, for the only suit you own. You can find them at the homeless shelter on Harlem. Asshole.